YOU CAN'T MAKE UP THIS STUFF
THE NEFF ZONE -- BY JIM NEFF
CADILLAC NEWS -- JULY 15, 2017
Well kidlings, it's time for another round of "You Can't Make Up This Stuff," the game based on my brother Big Rob's theory that reality is stranger than any fiction. As usual, when we play this game we begin with an item from Big Rob's stomping grounds of Flint.
This time Big Rob reports about some shenanigans involving Flint's City Council. It seems that Council member Eric Mays allegedly pawned his city-owned laptop for $100. “Councilman Scott Kincaid filed a criminal complaint with Flint police in the matter after learning Music Man Pawnshop -- located within one block of Flint City Hall -- had taken in the laptop issued to Mays.”
Mays admitted to the “Flint Beat” that he had indeed pawned the machine. (http://flintbeat.com/a-flint-city-councilman-faces-scrutiny-for-pawning-his-city-issued-laptop/) However, he claims Kincaid's complaint is just a “political allegation” and that pawning the laptop “just proves I'm poor.”
Besides, as Mays told the Flint Journal, even though the laptop may have sensitive information on it, the pawn shop may be a safer storage place than City Hall. “ "I will say, where is the laptop safer? There or city hall? City hall has had break-ins.” (http://www.mlive.com/news/flint/index.ssf/2017/07/probe_on_flint_councilmans_paw.html)
Big Rob sees this situation perhaps setting a precedent for future pawn shop loans (to other Flint city officials). “ Hey, has anyone seen a dump truck with a snow plow attached to it? I thought we had five of them but now there's only four.”
Councilman Mays might think times are tough, but at least Councilman Kincaid has not tried to run him over. Running over people has become a new trend and not just between enemies. Mowing down friends is even more popular. “There are stupid trends, there are dangerous trends, and then there’s this, which resides squarely in both categories.”
It all started with a question on social media: “Would you run over your best friend for two million dollars?” This led to videos of “rundowns” being posted on the Internet, the most disturbing of which involves golf carts. Needless to say, don't do this unless you want your friend to become your enemy. As for me, I am not worried at all. I hit most of my golf balls where no golf cart can go. (http://ftw.usatoday.com/2017/07/golfers-everywhere-have-discovered-the-stupidest-new-trend-ever)
Being stalked by a sadistic buddy in a golf cart is a bit unnerving, but no more so than having a bear in your bedroom. This happened to a youngster in Alaska. “When 11-year-old Zach Landis came running up the stairs late at night shouting, 'Mom, Dad, there's a bear in my room,' his parents thought he had either had a bad dream or been pranked by his older sisters. Then they saw the smashed window and the claw marks.” No one was injured, but “Zach has spent the last few nights sleeping in his parents' room.” (http://www.newser.com/story/245049/bear-crashes-through-sleeping-boys-window.html)
Speaking of wild animals, here's a tip if you plan on grilling some walrus steaks this weekend. “If walrus is in your dinner plans, make sure it's cooked well done, health officials from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommend. If you undercook your walrus, don't blame me if you get sick. “Early signs of infection show up a day or two after eating meat and can include diarrhea, stomach pain, fatigue, nausea and vomiting.” With that warning in mind, I will say that on the positive side, walrus is good hot off the grill and it's just as good the second day as a pizza topping. Wink, wink. (http://www.cbsnews.com/news/cook-walrus-meat-well-before-eating-warns-cdc-after-alaska-trichinosis-outbreak/)
Of course, since you are a human you're smarter than the average bear or walrus, right? Care to attempt to prove that? One way to determine what separates you from an animal is by measuring how courteous you are while driving a car. A recent “Drive like a human” report indicated that the most courteous drivers in the U.S. are in Idaho and least courteous are in New York. Michigan drivers ranked fifteenth. You can take the “Drive like a human quiz” at: http://www.kars4kids.org/drive-human/. Are you more “human” than your spouse?
Well, if you're a man your spouse may tell you “no” right from the get-go. She knows this because what so-called “human” would have to be told to be courteous while simply sitting on a bench? This affliction is known as “manspreading” and is a wide spread (pun intended) problem. “Though the phrase was coined in English, that particular way of sitting — legs splayed apart, with little regard for the personal space of others nearby — is a worldwide phenomenon.”
Officials in Madrid, Spain have had enough of this behavior. “Now Madrid public transportation officials are targeting the practice with a new campaign that seeks to dissuade passengers from spreading their legs. Madrid officials announced that new signs would go up in its city buses, depicting a seated figure whose open legs are partially blocking the seats next to him. Next to the figure is a large red X.” This gives a whole new meaning to “X marks the spot.”
Finally, the 7-Eleven stores celebrated National Slurpee Day this past week. Over 150 million Slurpees are sold every year in the U.S., with 40 percent of sales taking place June to August. You would think that sales of these icy drinks would be highest in warm weather cities, but more Slurpees are sold in Detroit that any other U.S. market. (http://www.freep.com/story/life/2017/07/10/7-eleven-turns-90-but-you-get-gift-free-slurpee/465562001/)
Here is the kicker, however. “Winnipeg, Canada, is the largest-selling market in the world.” Slurpees are served at 28 degrees, which is about the same temperature on a sunny July day in Winnipeg. Go figure.
Jim Neff is a local columnist. Read Neff Zone columns online at CadillacNews.com and NeffZone.com/cadillacnews.
NO MANSPREADING!
