THE NEFF ZONE -- BY JIM NEFF

CADILLAC NEWS -- DECEMBER 8, 2018

Stumped as to what to buy that person who seems to have everything? Don't worry. I have some suggestions. Some are relatively inexpensive. Others may require you to let the moths out of your wallet and throw caution to the wind. 

On the inexpensive side, I turn to the wisdom of my late father, Big Don. “There are certain practical things that every father and grandfather need to have, especially during the holidays,” he said. “Sometimes the smallest things make the difference between a great Christmas morning and one that involves wailing and the gnashing of teeth.” 

These inexpensive but essential gifts include (but are not limited to): batteries of every size, a can of zip ties, a bucket of bungee cords, a set of screwdrivers, Allen wrenches of every shape, extension cords of varying lengths, and cables for a selection of electronics. Having items like these ready for action make Christmas morning go smoothly. 

Big Don also quoted some age-old wisdom you may find useful. “If it moves, duct tape it. If it doesn't move, WD-40 it. If it requires a hammer, you have an electrical problem.” 

Not everything requires tools and assembly on Christmas morning. For example, what if someone receives a puppy or kitten? In this instance, PetHub protection might be in order. This is a tag with a QR code that you put on your new pet's collar. On PetHub.com you create a free online profile (name, breed, age, medications, allergies, owner’s contact information). If your pet gets loose, anyone with a smartphone can scan the tag and get the information they need to return your pet. This is not as foolproof as a identification chip, but it is very user friendly. (https://www.pethub.com)

Skiers on your list might be interested in a new product called Phantom ski wax. The claim is: “Phantom is a permanent, one-time application, waxless base treatment that forever eliminates the need for waxing skis and snowboards. Phantom permanently penetrates the entire thickness of the base material. Even when the ski or snowboard goes into a shop for stone grindings, the next fresh layer of Phantom is exposed –– ready to glide.” A video explaining the product and process is at: https://www.dpsskis.com/phantom-glide. 

At some point on Christmas Day, when the hoo-haa settles down, many of us like to take a break to watch TV sports, frosty adult beverage in hand. Here's the problem. When you tip the mug to quaff the front rim of the glass blocks the view of the TV screen. No more, thanks to the “Better TV Viewing Slanted Beer Mug.” This is designed “...so you never have to miss an inch of TV again.” A sloped edge at the rim of mug offers an unobstructed viewing experience. Technology for the common good. (https://www.npwgifts.com/tv-beer-mug.html)

All of this is dandy, but if money is no object there are several gifts that will test the theory of “nothing is too good for you.” For example, for the kidlings on your list, how about a child-size version of a 1936, BMW model 328. “Hand-made in France, it's one of the most exclusive toys this season.” Your munchkins can cruise the neighborhood in style and it will only set you back $19,650. (http://blanc-chateau.com/BMW_328_Collector_s_Car-8-1-1-en.html) 

Not to be left out when it comes to driving, golfers on your gift list will love the  Gotham Golfcart. This is sort of a Batman-style cart with an all-black alloy body and twin aerodynamic wings that fold around the passenger compartment. “The cart rolls on six course-friendly tires, is powered by a 6-horsepower electric go-cart motor, and can reach 38 mph.” Frighten fellow duffers and scatter wildlife for just $28,500. (https://www.hammacher.com/product/gotham-golfcart?)

Are there musicians in your family? They are sure to enjoy the “Self-Contained Hootenanny.” This is a wooden cabinet containing 17 built-in musical instruments. “The machine’s instruments are played by a system of precisely calibrated pneumatics that strum and pluck strings while thumping and tapping drums. The machine stores 13,000 MIDI, MP3, and Karaoke songs that are selected using a touchscreen interface, allowing the operator to choose from 10 music categories.” The instruments include: bass and snare drum, bongos, tambourine, maracas, splash cymbal, bass synthesizer, and a full-size guitar. Rock out on Christmas day for a measly $54,000. (https://www.hammacher.com/product/self-contained-hootenanny?)

Boating ON Lake Cadillac is a popular activity, but what about boating UNDER Lake Cadillac? You and your boating buddies can bottom feed with the “Five Person Exploration Submarine.” This is a five-person submersible that “keeps all explorers safe inside a climate-controlled acrylic pressure sphere.”  You can stay submerged for up to eight hours and when you are ready to surface phone home via a VHF radio. The sub goes down to 626 feet, so sneaking through the canal will be no problem. Just $2.7 million to be Cadillac's version of Captain Nemo. (https://www.hammacher.com/product/five-person-exploration-submarine?)

Perhaps one of the people on your list is more interested in the future than in the present. They might enjoy receiving something that is still in the planning stages. Picture this; it would rest smack in the center of Lake Cadillac. It's called Project Utopia. “A true James Bond villain lair, the floating yacht island is slated to be 11 decks tall and 100 meters long with enough space to house a small country. It will also feature four helicopter pads, wet docks for boats, and jet skis for recreational use. The interior hosts a retail area, a theater, a restaurant, bars, nightclubs, and a casino so you'll never need to leave.” 

They say that since Project Utopia is still in the design stage, you have the opportunity “to customize it with guard towers, laser weapons, nuclear missiles, and secret agent torture chambers.” I've been watching House Hunters on HGTV, so I know no house is livable without an open concept, crown molding, granite counter tops, a farmhouse sink, a double sink vanity, and hardwood floors. Get your Utopia for  a steal of $100 million. (http://www.yachtislanddesign.com/downloads/Utopia.pdf) 

To see if those on your list qualify for any of these gifts, go to https://www.neffzone.com/holidays/ and check out the Naughty-Or-Nice-O-Meter. 

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Read Neff Zone columns online at: CadillacNews.com or NeffZone.com/cadillacnews.