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NEFF ZONE -- BY JIM NEFF

CADILLAC NEWS -- FEBRUARY 19, 2022

Do you suffer from cabin fever? Are you beginning to invent things to do inside even when those things don't really need doing? Do you find yourself gazing out into the yard imagining what could be accomplished if the tundra ever thaws? 

It gets worse. Have you been watching too many home improvement shows on television? Are you compiling to-do lists? Do you have a compulsion to attack a load-bearing wall with a sledge hammer? All this could mean you are in a danger zone. Plus, it also means you are completely normal. 

It's pretty natural to have these thoughts. Looking at the same four walls for months on end can be a challenge. It's always been that way. People have been modifying their homes since cave dweller days. House Beautiful recently illustrated this fact with a photo array of “What the American Homes Looked Like Through the Years.” 

They note: “If you've ever been curious about what homes in the United States really looked like between 1940 and 1980, get a glimpse inside them here.” I had to laugh when I saw living rooms from when I was a nipper. Those pictures could have been taken in my boyhood home! See the pictures at: https://www.housebeautiful.com/design-inspiration/g38891207/american-homes-year-you-were-born/. 

Well, maybe you are just tired of your house and are looking at a complete change of pace. Do I have a property for you. In Abilene, Kansas there is  decommissioned Atlas F missile silo complex for sale. Zillow says: “It's the perfect place to kick back below ground, relax, and survive a nuclear strike with the family.” 

Your future home includes: sixty-nine hundred square feet, no bedrooms, one bathroom, the scariest ceilings you’ve ever seen in your life, eleven acres of barren dirt, a quonset building, water and sewage. The listing adds the facility has “lots of potential.” For a mere $380,000 you could own this fixer upper. (https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/2432-Fair-Rd-Abilene-KS-67410/113177058_zpid/)

If you do buy your dream missile silo, you'll want to equip it with the latest technology. May I suggest some new smart toilet seats that monitor your health? “Casana is readying to debut a toilet seat that takes your vitals.” 

Here's the skinny. “Casana’s device, called the Heart Seat, uses three sensors to get a peek at heart health and spot early problem signs. While an EKG is used to measure the heart’s electrical activity, photoplethysmography is deployed to detect blood volume changes with lights. A ballistocardiogram records tiny body movements caused by the heart’s mechanical activity.” Now “taking care of business” has a whole new meaning. (https://www.axios.com/casana-nets-30m-smart-toilet-seat-09d4dd92-0f81-450c-a3e2-bee96c78994a.html)

Even if you live underground, in an emergency there may be a need to come to the surface. If so, you may want to wear an Apocalypse Jacket. “As threats to humanity expand to include bioterrorism, ecological collapse – as well as the obvious zombie apocalypse – the world is taking the possibility of a catastrophic global event more seriously than ever. While we can’t predict the future, we can prepare for it.”

For $1295, you can now purchase a zombie-proof coat. “We’ve built the outside of our Apocalypse Jacket from a material that can withstand black lava, flash fires, and chemical erosion. The inner lining of the jacket has twenty-three pockets that will let you carry everything you need to survive anything. See the full line of Apocalypse clothing at: https://www.vollebak.com/product/apocalypse-jacket/. 

One of the advantages of living in a remote missile silo is not having to deal with goofy neighbors. A homeowner in Connecticut would attest to this. His neighbor tried to use a flamethrower to melt snow. The result was the neighbor's house was set ablaze. “Firefighters responded to the scene of a house fire. On the way, dispatch learned that the owner had been using a flamethrower to melt ice and snow and accidentally ignited the side of the home.” (https://www.newsobserver.com/news/nation-world/national/article257864423.html)

This is bad, but at least the neighbor was trying to clear his own driveway. Another story about a neighbor might make the flamethrower seem not so irritating. It's a long tale, so stick with me. 

A homeowner had new neighbors move in next door.  “We noticed they didn’t have any lawn mowers or snow blowers, so we told them that they should get those things sooner rather than later since we typically start getting snow in November.

Despite the warnings, the neighbors did not prepare for the poor weather.”

So, in comes a big snowfall. “The neighbor came to my house early on Sunday morning and banged on my door asking when I was going to be out snow blowing as they need to get to work. I told the neighbors that I was not going out to shovel/snow blow any time soon, so they may want to dig their cars out so they could get to work. He told me that they didn’t have any shovels and explained that they were relying on me to come over and take care of it. The neighbors are now angry at me, and he confronted me outside, saying that it was my fault that they had to call out of work.”

The title of the article that told this story pretty much hits the nail on the head:  “Homeowner blown away by neighbor's ridiculous yard maintenance request: He is very entitled.” (https://www.intheknow.com/post/aita-reddit-neighbor-yard-maintenance-request/)

Finally, there's nothing better than a good doghouse story. How about a doggy abode with a seven inch hole in its roof selling for $300,000? Ah, but that hole was made by a meteorite and that makes the house more valuable. It's part of a  "Deep Impact: Martian, Lunar, and Other Rare Meteorites" auction. 

There are two interesting aspects of this. The actual  meteorite, available for $60,000, is not worth as much as the doghouse. You can bid on both at: https://onlineonly.christies.com/s/deep-impact-martian-lunar-other-rare-meteorites/aguas-zarcas-doghouse-4/142783. Hurry, though, because the bidding ends in three days. 

Jim Neff is a local columnist. Read Neff Zone columns online at CadillacNews.com and NeffZone.com/cadillacnews.